Sunday, March 11, 2018
I am finally back from a long break. I was away for more than four months. If you followed me on any of my social media you will know why I have been absent. I was pregnant and then I had to take care of our first baby. Life is hectic in a good way.
After our wedding (January 2014) we wanted a baby. That was just natural. We wanted a little horse. So after a few weeks when my period was late (for two days), I was extremely excited and had such high hopes. I asked hubby to get a pregnancy test for me. I followed the instructions and after a while, I looked at the results. One line. Disappointment! I was a little too anxious. Then when my period was late for a week I did the test again. Another disappointment!
The cycle just went on and on with my suspicions and then testings followed by more disappointments. I wasted a lot of the pregnancy tests. Eventually I kind of gave up. The last time I checked was when my period was late for two months. I was staring at the basin and then the floor and finally the door. After I took a deep breath, I looked at the test. It was negative again! I thought maybe the test was not accurate and broken perhaps? So I went to the hospital hoping that I was already pregnant... but no! Okay okay... It was me all along. Thinking too much and maybe I started hallucinating?
My period used to be irregular/abnormal when I was in college but everything went back to normal about five years ago. So my suspicions were reasonable right? I went online to check on pregnancy related issues and search for "how to get pregnant fast". Sound like one desperate woman!
A few days later, I watched Bubzbeauty's pregnancy videos where she said she was guilty to be saying that it was really easy to get pregnant. I was like... oh ok... yup... that's me... not so easy to get pregnant but still I am happy for her. It was a happy thing! I was implanting happy and positive thoughts in my mind constantly.
After trying for about two years, we finally decided it was time to check what is preventing it. We found out that the chance for us to have a baby is low. I was heartbroken but there is nothing that we can do. We took supplements recommended by our doctor. Then I took medicines as well. When I had my period I went to the doctor again. There was a few medications and I was also given the ovulation test kit. On the third day, there was finally a double line. I was waiting for time to pass in the toilet. When I looked at it, I was a little surprised. I quickly took my phone out to confirm whether it is a double line. I was relieved. At least there is still hope.
Even after getting help, we knew our chance to have a baby is very very low. We finally stopped. The doctor actually told us to pray to God so that means the chance is too low for him to help us right? We could only pray that one day, maybe there will be a chance. I tried to convinced myself it was fine for us not to have a child. I kept convincing myself every single day. I thought I was fine but when I saw friends or people around me announced their pregnancy, I was miserable. I was happy for them but I was so depressed for us. Deep down I knew I still wanted a baby.
Every time someone asked us "When are you guys having a baby?" or "Do you think you are still young?" It hurts. It really does. We wanted a baby but we cannot. Some people even joke about it. I tried my best to ignore but it still gets to me. Almost every time but I still have to hide it. There is nothing else we can do. We tried a healthier lifestyle. I tried to become vegan but it was too hard at first so I switched to a pescatarian diet. It was fine for a few months then I changed my mind again.
We waited.
We prayed.
Nothing happened.
One night before we slept, I suddenly asked hubby, "Why did God not answer our prayer?"
Hubby felt really down when I said it.
It was depressing that night.
I cried myself to sleep.
I tried not to let hubby know about my thoughts later on because of that incident.
When my period was late on March 2017 and I had strange cravings, I decided we should check just in case. On 11 March 2017, we went to buy the pregnancy test. I did not test until 14 March 2017. I did not want to get my hopes up. I waited for a while after doing the test. It was negative. I thought I knew it but I was still disappointed. I was not feeling well a week after. Hubby thought I had been eating too much junk food.
Somehow, I felt that I should just take the pregnancy test once more since we had another one. On 24 March 2017, I woke up early to get ready for work. I decided I will just test it. I did everything as instructed. Then I went to brush my teeth.
When the timer went off, I looked at the test. I was surprised. It seemed to be positive. I was not sure. I went to hubby and told him I think it is double line. He woke up and ask for the test. lol. I told him it was in the toilet so he went in to check. He was surprised and we were not sure whether to believe the test. Yes, we cannot believe the result. We were afraid to get our hopes up. It was a scary moment for us.
Later on that day, we went to check at the clinic just to be sure. The nurse told me to do a urine test. So I did. She told me "Yes, you're pregnant!" I was surprise, happy and excited. I cannot hide my emotions.
She congratulated us. We did a scan to make sure the baby is in the uterus. When it was confirmed that everything was fine, I cried. Hubby was so happy as well. We had been waiting for this day forever. I just hope everything will be smooth. I cannot wait to meet you, baby.
Thank you God.
Thank you for this miracle.
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